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June 29, 2025

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June 29, 2025 Sunday Fear I bought another book by Suleika Jaouad, “The Book of Alchemy”. I have been reading her other book “Between Two Kingdoms”. I was searching YouTube when I found out that she has another book. It turns out that it is about journaling. She mentioned someone familiar, Julia Cameron. She mentioned morning pages which I used to do with paper and pen. This time, I am doing it with this laptop, why? So that it is legible. I also started a new blog. Road to the end of life. But I do not like the format. I do not know what happened, as I brushed my teeth earlier, I came up with a new title, THE LAST MILE. Anyway, this will be a daily morning page for me, before I touch my iPhone. So many scenarios are playing out in my mind. One, I have cancer, quit my job, no surgery no chemo. But how about insurance? COBRA? Buy high-deductible insurance? Next, I have cancer, quit my job, and have surgery. No insurance? Next, I have cancer, stay on job, short term disability...
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June 28, 2025

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June 28, 2025, Saturday Home 630 am Four days ago, June 24, 2025, Tuesday, I woke up with right flank pain. The pain lasted for 30 minutes. I was screaming. There was no radiation of pain. It was like a bad spasm; I called Bella and asked her to come home. We went to the urgent care on Tenaya. Urine test showed blood. It was a kidney stone. The CT scan was initially looked at by the doctor. She said there was no stone. She wanted to wait for the official radiology findings. I came home and went to sleep. In the afternoon, she called. The radiologist confirmed that there was no stone. However, he found a lesion in the pancreas. “A lesion?” I thought. A quick black cloud hoovered over me. My first thought was, “Shit! This is not good.” Then the second thought was, “This is it!” Then I asked her, “What is the size?” she said, “1.5 cm. It was hypodense.” Pancreatic lesion. The first diagnosis was always cancer. The bad news was, most pancreatic cancer, when diagnosed, are metastatic. ...
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